Here's the final part of your report, "7 Secrets
for Fixing Your Marriage."
SECRET 7: BE A HEDGEHOG
Are you a hedgehog or a fox? Bet you never
thought about it. But it's an important question
to answer if you want to save and restore your
marriage. Keep reading, I'll explain why and I'll
help you figure out which you are.
In his essay "The Hedgehog and the Fox," based on
an ancient Greek parable, Isaiah Berlin describes
how different people approach problems. Some
people are like foxes; they know many things.
Other people are like hedgehogs; they know one
big thing.
A fox is a clever animal able to devise many
tactics for attacking the hedgehog. Everyday the
fox looks like he has another brilliant strategy
to finally win his prey.
The hedgehog, on the other hand, is a slow boring
creature whose defense is the same no matter how
the fox attacks. Everyday the fox thinks, "Aha,
now I've got you." But everyday, no matter what
approach the fox takes, no matter where he
strikes from, no matter what time of day it is,
as soon as the hedgehog senses danger he thinks,
"Here we go again," and he rolls up into a little
ball, extends his sharp spikes, and spoils the
fox's best laid plans.
Berlin explained that some people (foxes) see the
world in all its complexity. Their approach
constantly changes depending on the
circumstances, but they never develop a unified
vision.
Other people (hedgehogs), on the other hand,
simplify the complexity of the world into one
principle - one basic idea that determines their
every move.
Now don't misunderstand. Hedgehogs are not
simpleminded. On the contrary, their
understanding of the world is so profound that
they're able to identify the most fundamental
elements. You know, simple but not simplistic.
Can you get any more basic than E = mc squared?
Can you get any more brilliant?
Insightful right? But what in the world does this
have to do with your marriage? Everything!
Everyone has problems, issues, and challenges in
their marriage. Yours may even be severe. And you
will no doubt face a variety of problems over the
years.
You might think that for each new problem, you
need a new solution. But you don't! Think like a
hedgehog not a fox. Remember, for a hedgehog THE
SOLUTION IS ALWAYS THE SAME.
Some radio and television shows are hosted by
relationship experts who have guests or allow
people to call-in to share their problems. It's
fascinating the myriad of problems that couples
face. What's equally fascinating is the host's
ability to find unique solutions for all the
different problems.
It makes for an interesting show, but it's just
not that complicated. The ultimate answer to
every problem is the same - love. LOVE IS THE
FOUNDATION OF YOUR MARRIAGE, and all marital
problems stem from a lack of it. Got a problem?
You don't need a solution. You need more love.
LOVE IS YOUR SOLUTION!
Sound hokey? I know it does. Think about it
though. Remember when you fell in love? What
problems did you have then? Hardly any, right?
Because you had love!
You know that little thing your spouse does with
their eye brow or the corner of their mouth?
Remember how you used to think it was so cute?
Then one day it became annoying, right? Why? Your
spouse used to be thrifty and now your spouse is
cheap. WHAT CHANGED? Your love changed - that's
what changed! And the solution to that annoying
problem (and all your problems!) is to rebuild
your love.
The problem in most marriages is the way the
couple (and sometimes the counselor) sees the
problem. If you see your problems
as the problem; that's your problem.
Once people join the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot
Camp and begin a dialogue with me, their first
inclination is to ask me for a solution to their
marriage problems. My solution is for them to
institute a series of relationship habits that
slowly but surely builds a new foundation for
their marriage.
Fixing problems and developing communication
skills can lead to small incremental changes in
your marriage. But if you want to transform your
marriage, if you want to make a quantum change,
you have to implement a pattern of new
relationship habits. You have to create love.
People get all bogged down in the negativity of
trying to solve their problems. It's no fun and
it's not productive. The crucial question in
marriage is NOT how to solve your
problems; it's how to create love.
Your problems probably seem complex. But the good
news is that the solutions are simple. Be a
hedgehog. Focus on building your love. That will
solve ALL your problems.
I hope the insights and tips I've
given you in this report help improve your
marriage...it has mine.
Wishing you well,
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