As promised, here's part 4 of the report,
"7 Secrets for Fixing Your Marriage."
SECRET 4: GET INVOLVED
Have you ever heard the phrase "You are what you
eat"? This catchy slogan from the fitness
industry reminds us that how we "spend" our
calories determines our health. Want to be fat?
Then eat lots of fat. Want to be healthy? Well,
you get the idea.
When it comes to your marriage, I would say, "YOU
ARE WHAT YOU DO." In other words, how you and
your spouse SPEND YOUR TIME determines the
strength of your marriage. Spend it together and
you'll feel connected. Do your own thing too
often and you might sleep in the same bed, but
you'll feel worlds apart.
At the beginning of your relationship, you
probably had no trouble spending lots of time
together doing just about anything. And, in fact,
SHARING TIME was exactly what CREATED THE
CLOSENESS between the two of you. But as the
years went by, you probably took up separate
interests, and began to spend more and more time
apart.
Many couples are very good at coordinating
compatible lives. He's got his schedule. She's
got her schedule. Some couples sleep under one
roof, but they lead COMPLETELY separate lives.
You can achieve compatibility like this (like you
had with your college roommate), which is not a
bad thing, but you won't have a good marriage.
You might manage your family fine, but your
relationship will NOT be fulfilling. And you'll
be lonely. You might not be alone, but you'll be
lonely.
Our culture today promotes independence. We even
have something called the "Me Generation." But a
strong marriage requires a "Move from Me to We."
Love requires SPENDING TIME TOGETHER and being
involved in each other's lives. It's not about
being independent; it's about being successfully
INTERdependent.
Do you remember when you used to visit each other
at work? Meet each other's family and friends?
Help solve each other's problems? Ask each
other's opinions? Learn about each other's
interests? That's the ticket!
Of course, I know this doesn't sound appealing if
your marriage is on the rocks. You may not feel
like being together. But which comes first, a
good marriage or involvement in each other's
lives? Which is the cause and which is the
effect? The answer is: involvement or
interdependence is one of the primary ingredients
for a successful marriage.
At the end of my public seminars, I'm always
fascinated at the interaction between couples.
"Honey, should we get the Marriage Fitness
Home-Flex or the Marriage Fitness Audio Learning
System?" she asks.
"I don't care," he responds. "Get whatever you
want."
I'm listening to this and thinking, "How could he
miss this opportunity?" Not the opportunity to
decide what to buy, but the opportunity to
connect with her, to get involved with her. She
didn't care what they bought. She didn't want an
answer; she wanted company. She wanted his
involvement.
As I write this report, there's a couple in the
Marriage Fitness Tele Boot Camp whose names are
Jon and Michelle (not their real names). Michelle
and Jon agree that they've "grown apart" over the
years. They used to do everything together. But
then Michelle decided to open a shop downtown.
And Jon took up golf, which, like everything else
he does well, has become an obsession.
Jon and Michelle want to make their marriage
work, but they don't share passions anymore and
their living separate lives. Most people think
that's the kiss of death for a marriage. IT'S
NOT. If you want to make your marriage work, you
can USE EACH OTHER'S PASSIONS to create a
connection.
I advised Michelle to find a way to include
herself in Jon's golf game even though she wasn't
interested in playing. Through our discussions, I
discovered that Michelle hated golf because as a
child her father never let her drive the golf
cart when he played. So I asked her, "Michelle,
how would you like to drive the golf cart now?"
Michelle smiled and said, "I would love it." So
now, every once in while, Michelle's partner
works the store alone and Jon gets his own
personal golf cart driver.
And we did the same with Jon. Jon spends all week
immersed in his business. The thought of him
going into his wife's shop on the weekend and
dealing with more business was nauseating. In
addition to golf, Jon liked to spend his weekends
using his hands fixing things around the house.
Jon is really a closet blue collar guy. So I
turned to Michelle and I asked her, "Michelle, do
you have handyman work at your shop?"
"Are you kidding," Michelle answered, "It never
ends." Ta dah! The shop got a new handyman and
Michelle and Jon moved "from me to we."
It's important to note that the
reason this worked for Jon and Michelle is NOT
because Jon got a driver and Michelle got a
handyman. Even if Jon was a terrible handyman,
this could have worked FOR THEIR MARRIAGE. It
might have been bad for Michelle's business, but
it would have been good for their marriage. They
key is personal involvement not utility. It's not
about improving anything except your marriage.
You may or may not be able to relate the Jon and
Michelle's situation. In the Marriage Fitness
Tele-Boot Camp, I work with you to find
meaningful ways for you and your spouse to get
involved in each others lives. Once you find
those ways (and we always do!), it's like magic.
Think about it. How could you get more involved
in your spouse's life?
Getting involved does not necessarily mean that
you have to do the activity together. It could
mean that you watch the activity, plan for it,
pack for it, budget for it, buy supplies for it,
or research it in preparation for discussion.
How you get involved depends on you, your spouse,
and the interest. There are endless
possibilities. The goal is to GET INVOLVED in
some way so your spouse's interest becomes part
of your life too.
And what if your spouse wants nothing to do with
you? We deal with that in the Lone Ranger Track
of the Marriage Fitness Tele Boot Camp. See
below.
As you get involved with your spouse's interests,
be cautious about how you involve yourself. Don't
show up unexpectedly at your spouse's weekly card
game. Be intelligent and sensitive about it.
Then engage your spouse in discussion about the
topic. Ask questions. Show your interest.
Consider purchasing a thoughtful gift that
relates to your spouse's interest. In time,
explore with your spouse how you can get more
involved. Be assertive, but make sure you involve
yourself in ways that are agreeable to your
spouse.
The chances are good that your spouse's interest
doesn't interest you. If it did, you would
probably already be involved. This exercise is
challenging in that regard. It takes discipline.
It's not an exercise in choosing compatibility;
it's an exercise in CHOOSING LOVE. Your interest
in your spouse's interest is irrelevant. Your
interest in your marriage is the key.
Consider a father whose son developed a passion
for baseball. One summer he took his son to see
every major league team play one game. Their
travels took the entire summer and cost a lot of
money, but it did wonders for their relationship.
Upon their return the father was asked, "Do you
like baseball that much?"
"No," he replied. "But I like my son that much."
Warm regards,
in a couple of days.
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