Here's part 5 of your report, "7 Secrets for
Fixing Your Marriage."
SECRET 5: BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE
In your quest to fix your marriage, you may
encounter resistance...from your spouse!
Your spouse may dwell on the 101 reasons why
"this just won't work for us" and blame you for
every one.
Or, your spouse may be emotionally "checked-out"
of the marriage and not care about your efforts
to improve the situation or be willing to extend
any effort of their own.
This, by far, is the most common question people
ask me: "How do I get my spouse to change?"
Why would your spouse resist change in your
marriage and what should you do about it?
There's a deep-seated belief in our culture that
people resist change, no matter what. But is this
true? Do people really want things to remain
status quo? Do we really not want things to
change? If you look closely at human nature, it's
not change itself we resist; it's change that's
IMPOSED UPON US.
Think about it. We have no problem with change
that WE INITIATE. But when we feel forced or
manipulated to change, then we resist with all
our might.
Your spouse may not be willing to change for the
sake of your marriage right now, but that's not
because your spouse doesn't want a great
marriage. Everyone wants a great marriage. It's
because if they're going to change, they want the
change to be THEIR IDEA!
I promise you; your spouse will
change when they're ready to change and not one
second before. And the more you push them, urge
them, nudge them, ask them, scream at them, or
beg them, the LESS LIKELY they are to change. I
know it's hard to wait, but you have to let it
come from them.
It's possible someone could INSPIRE your spouse
to change, but the person LEAST LIKELY to be the
inspiration is YOU. It's sad but true. A complete
stranger is more likely to get through to your
spouse than you are. A chance experience or
encounter is more likely to shake up your spouse
than anything YOU could say.
Mary Ellen (name changed) registered the Marriage
Fitness Tele Boot Camp. She knew she had to make
changes and joined the program with a genuine
interest to improve her marriage. She wanted Tom
(her husband) to be part of the process, but he
wasn't willing to join her. She had been asking
him to go with her to get help for over a year.
But Tom consistently refused.
I spoke with Mary Ellen during the boot camp and
convinced her to back-off of Tom and just let him
be for a while. I counseled her to make some
changes that created a more positive energy in
their relationship. When the time was right, I
suggested that Mary Ellen ask Tom is he would be
willing to speak with ME during one of the Q and
A teleconferences. Mary Ellen's timing was good.
Tom agreed.
Within 7 minutes of my conversation with Tom he
agreed to join Mary Ellen in the program. Mary
Ellen switched from the Lone Ranger Track to the
Duo Track.
Why was I able to get Tom to agree to something
in 7 minutes that Mary Ellen couldn't get him to
do in over a year? It's true I know how to handle
these situations, but there were 2 other
important factors:
1. For the first time in over a year, Mary Ellen
backed-off far enough so that Tom had the space
to make his own choice.
2. The inspiration came from someone other than
his wife.
Your effort to change your spouse is probably
COUNTERproductive. The chances are good that
you're "in the way." You need to get out of the
way and create the space for your spouse to
CHOOSE to change. That's the only way it'll ever
happen.
I can't tell you how many times a spouse will say
to me that their husband/wife changed for a few
days, but then returned to their old ways. That's
because they never really decided to change. They
were pressured. They were manipulated. And so it
didn't stick.
If you tell your spouse what to do; it's a
challenge. If THEY decide to do it; it's a great
idea. YOU HAVE TO LET IT COME FROM THEM. That's
the only way it'll make a difference long term in
your marriage.
Now you're probably thinking, "Makes sense, but
isn't there anything I can do to encourage my
spouse's choice?" YES there is!
YOU CAN BE AN INSPIRING EXAMPLE and let your
spouse see how the choices YOU'RE making impact
how YOU feel about yourself and your marriage.
Resist the urge to believe that your marriage
won't change until your spouse "gets with the
program." The love YOU feel is much more a result
of what YOU DO for your marriage than what your
spouse does for it.
We tend to think that the love in our marriage is
in our spouse's hands. But it's not. Love is a
verb. And if we do it - if we love - then we feel
love. THE CHOICE IS OURS.
Consider the love you feel for your children. Is
it because of everything they do for you? Is it
because they're such angels? Of course not. The
love you feel for your children is a result of
what YOU DO FOR THEM. The love you feel in your
marriage is a result of what YOU DO too.
Furthermore, there's no better way to inspire
your spouse to make the choice to change than to
make that choice yourself.
It happens quite often that one spouse will
register for the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp
in the Lone Ranger Track and then half way
through the program they will switch to the Duo
Track, which is designed for couples
participating TOGETHER. What caused their spouse
to change their mind? Simple. 2 things. First,
they learned to create a space in their
relationship for their spouse to make a choice to
change. Second, they showed their spouse, through
their EXAMPLE, how to make that choice and the
impact it could have on their marriage.
Very often one spouse will schedule private
sessions with me and ask if it makes sense for
them to be coached alone. The answer
is ABSOLUTELY yes! One spouse can
make more than a 50% difference in a marriage.
And that difference is exactly what will get the
other spouse to open up to getting advice too. As
the saying goes: "You can lead me a mile, but you
can't push me an inch."
So, bottom line - as Mahatma Gandhi said, "You
must be the change you wish to see." It's YOU
changing that will have the greatest impact on
YOUR EXPERIENCE of your marriage AND it's YOU
changing that will be the single most important
thing you can do to motivate your spouse to
change.
Check back in a few days for "How
do you know if you married the right person".
All the best to you,
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