"7 Secrets for Fixing Your Marriage."
SECRET 2: TALK & TOUCH
Did you ever hear the Paul Simon song, "50 Ways
to Leave Your Lover"? It's a humorous song about
a not-so-funny subject (the break-up of Simon's
marriage). I don't want you to hop on a bus or
drop off your keys, but the song does make a good
point about how to succeed in marriage.
See, the song's ultimate point is that once you
make up your mind to do something, action is sure
to follow. Whether you decide to leave or love,
it's the decision that's most important. Once the
decision is in your head, there are 50 ways you
could do either.
You want to save your marriage, right? Good; you
know WHAT you want. The only question left is
HOW. HOW will you restore your marriage? Everyone
WANTS to renew their marriage. But very few
people have a clue how to go about it.
Let's be clear about one thing first. It happens
through ACTIONS. You’ll never be able to blab
your way out of a situation you behaved yourself
into. You must act.
Okay, but what actions?
Within the next 24 hours, I want you to try a
Talk Charge and a Touch Charge.
A Talk Charge is a 60 second positive verbal
interaction with your spouse about a NON-
LOGISTICAL matter. It's a fun or frivolous chat.
And you do NOT need your spouse’s cooperation. If
necessary, you talk, they listen. A voice mail
can even work.
A Touch Charge is similar, but it uses touch
instead of talk. A Touch Charge is a loving
physical gesture with your spouse. It's not
foreplay or an advance for love making; it's just
a warm touch for the sake of connecting in that
moment. (If you’re separated or your spouse is
resistant to your touch, the solution to this
problem is discussed in the Marriage Fitness Tele
Boot Camp. See below).
I had private sessions with Cindy (not her real
name). In one of our sessions, I noticed that
Cindy was resistant to incorporating Touch
Charges and Talk Charges into her relationship
with her husband. She kept trying to change the
subject. She said she wanted to discuss "bigger"
matters. I couldn't imagine why she was so
hesitant to do these 2 SIMPLE things. Finally, I
challenged Cindy and said, "Cindy, what's the
problem. This is marriage renewal 101."
Eventually, Cindy told me why she didn't want to
talk about Touch Charges and Talk Charges. "My
marriage is horrible." Cindy said. "I need a BIG
solution. I just don't think talking and touching
is going to make a difference."
Cindy expressed a common thought, but she
couldn't be more WRONG.
You can't turn your marriage around with one
Herculean event. There's no gift you can give,
favor you can do, or letter you can write. When
your marriage is on the rocks, it's common to
want to "microwave" it better. But you can't.
There's no quick fix. There’s no one thing you
can do or say that will turn things around. It
took you years to get into this mess; it's going
to take time for you to get out of it. And what's
the way out? Listen carefully.
Failed marriages eventually
succeed because at least one spouse commits to
doing SMALL THINGS in great ways over an extended
period of time.
Do you want REAL change in your marriage? Then
establish the RIGHT HABITS and do them
CONSISTENTLY. Talk and touch everyday, for
example.
I promised Cindy that if she would talk and touch
REGULARLY, she would see a dramatic difference in
her marriage. I promised Cindy that if I was
wrong, I would personally fly to Nashville and do
a full day "house call" with Cindy and her
husband no charge. Cindy agreed to try. I've
still never been to Nashville.
Og Mandino says, "Take great comfort in knowing
that ALL great feats are accomplished one small
step at a time." TAKE THE SMALL STEPS! They make
a BIG difference.
Do you remember when you used to
just talk? Not about who's going to pick up the
kids, make the dinner, or pay the bill...I mean
just talk for the sake of talking. If you're like
most couples, you need to start talking again.
Tell your spouse about your dreams. Share your
fears. Tell a joke. Talk about the interesting
person you met today or the experience you had
jogging in the park.
In the morning before you part for the day, share
something with your spouse. In the middle of day,
call your spouse for a Talk Charge. You don't
have to be all sweetsie if you don't want to. But
make sure you don't discuss anything logistical.
And don't fight! Just talk.
You and/or your spouse probably feel you don't
get enough attention from each other. As
discussed, it could be that you need to talk
more. But you also probably need to touch more.
REACH OUT AND TOUCH YOUR SPOUSE TODAY. Try a warm
kiss or a gentle rub. Stroke their cheek or play
with their feet. It only takes a moment, but the
positive energy can carry you through an entire
evening. (Once again, if you’re separated or your
spouse is resistant to your touch, the solution
to this problem is discussed in the Marriage
Fitness Tele Boot Camp. See below).
When you caress your spouse's hand, play with
their feet, rub their shoulders, or stroke their
cheek, there's a moment there (if you do it
RIGHT) when your spouse knows that you are
completely connected with them. Fill your
marriage with a few of those moments each day and
your relationship will begin to change.
Now I don't want to leave you hanging...wondering
what you're going to say and how you're going to
touch. I figure if there's 50 ways to leave your
lover, there must be at least as many ways to
touch them or talk to them. So here's my "50
ways" list. Don't be overwhelmed. Most of these
won’t work for you. I created 50 so you would
have options. My challenge to you is to pick 2;
in the next 24 hours do 1 Talk Charge and 1 Touch
Charge.
MORT'S 50 WAYS TO TALK AND TOUCH LIST
1. Express confidence in one of your spouse's
decisions
2. Share dessert with one fork
3. What was "your song" when you were dating?
Call your spouse and sing it to them.
4. Surprise visit your spouse at their office or
home and give them a kiss... and then leave.
5. Play footsie next time you sit together
6. Learn a new joke today and share it with your
spouse
7. Ask how your spouse's day went... and really
listen
8. Kiss your spouse upon waking
9. Kiss your spouse before sleeping
10. Caress your spouse's hand
11. Touch your spouse's cheek or hand while
driving
12. Rub shoulders next time you sit next to each
other
13. Sit on your spouse's lap or sit them on yours
14. Compliment something your spouse is wearing
15. Call your spouse out of the blue to let them
know you are thinking of them
16. Give your spouse a neck or shoulder massage
17. Share a story from the news or your day that
you thought was interesting
18. What about dancing before dinner? No one's
looking.
19. Tell your spouse that if you had to do it all
over again, you'd choose them
20. Share a problem - thank your spouse for their
concern
21. Play with your spouse's hair while talking in
bed
22. Fall asleep holding hands
23. Remind your spouse to drive safely next time
they leave the house
24. Call your spouse at work with the latest
news.
25. Have a tickle "fight"
26. Say "I'm sorry" about a mistake you recently
made
27. Think of 3 ways your spouse has made you a
better person ... tell them now
28. Compliment your spouse on your favorite
physical trait
29. Play Twister and let yourself laugh out loud
30. Look at your spouse when they are unaware of
your gaze ... share your feelings
31. Share what you most admire about your spouse
32. Have a "remember when?" moment.
33. Thank your spouse for helping you through a
challenging time in your life
34. Find a reason to touch your spouse when you
are in the same room
35. Dig out the wedding album and reminisce
36. Hold hands under the table
37. Brush your mate's hair out of his/her eyes
38. Straighten his tie, being sure to touch him
with love
39. Button or zip her dress, being sure to touch
her with love
40. Knead the same dough together
41. Kiss in the elevator when no one is looking
42. Express confidence in your spouse's ability
to overcome a problem
43. Listen to your spouse's worries - ask how you
can help
44. Make your spouse's lunch for the day ...
deliver it with a kiss
45. Send your spouse a fax with your special
"code words" for I Love You!
46. Turn off your spouse's alarm clock...wake
them with a massage
47. Kiss the back of your spouse's neck while
he/she is reading
48. Before parting, tell your spouse you can't
wait to see him/her again
49. An extra hug for no reason at all never hurt
anyone
50. "Spoon" your mate while sleeping
More to come in Part 3 in a few days. Talk to you then.
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