Analysis Paralysis: How to unstuck your marriage

Do you think a lot about your
marriage? Is that an understatement? Is OBSESS
more like it?

If you have marriage problems, you probably spend
a lot of time and energy THINKING about your
circumstances. You've probably analyzed your
spouse, your marriage, and what happened to your
relationship from every possible angle.

And the chances are good that others have
weighed-in on your situation too. Have you
discussed your problems with a friend, a family
member, or a counselor?

An astute analysis of your relationship can be
helpful. It sometimes leads to problem-solving
ideas that work.

Talking about your situation can be helpful too.
Most people find it therapeutic.  

But sometimes the problem with thinking and
talking about your marriage so much is that it
becomes a substitute for DOING SOMETHING.
Analyzing your marriage can be productive, but if
you want change, there's nothing like taking
ACTION.

I once did a series of private phone sessions for
someone who had been in therapy for over a year.
In our first session, I asked what changes she
and her husband implemented since beginning
therapy. She said, "Well, no real changes. But I
understand our problems much better."

I call that "analysis paralysis."

The great philosopher Socrates said, "The
unexamined life is not worth living." This is
very true. But the unlived life is not worth
examining!

THOUGHT and ACTION are like husband and wife. If
you're missing one, you can't have a marriage.

Rigorous thinking gives rise to intelligent
action. And action gives critical feedback for
further thought. Ultimately, it's the combination
of the two that leads to clarity and a changed
marriage.

Love is articulated in the vocabulary of ACTION.
New thoughts and new words are useful when they
inspire you to DEMONSTRATE new behavior.

Wishing you well,

http://www.HelpSaveMyMarriageNow.com

 

SECRET 7: BE A HEDGEHOG

Here's the final part of your report, "7 Secrets
for Fixing Your Marriage."

SECRET 7: BE A HEDGEHOG

Are you a hedgehog or a fox? Bet you never
thought about it. But it's an important question
to answer if you want to save and restore your
marriage. Keep reading, I'll explain why and I'll
help you figure out which you are.

In his essay "The Hedgehog and the Fox," based on
an ancient Greek parable, Isaiah Berlin describes
how different people approach problems. Some
people are like foxes; they know many things.
Other people are like hedgehogs; they know one
big thing.

A fox is a clever animal able to devise many
tactics for attacking the hedgehog. Everyday the
fox looks like he has another brilliant strategy
to finally win his prey.

The hedgehog, on the other hand, is a slow boring
creature whose defense is the same no matter how
the fox attacks. Everyday the fox thinks, "Aha,
now I've got you." But everyday, no matter what
approach the fox takes, no matter where he
strikes from, no matter what time of day it is,
as soon as the hedgehog senses danger he thinks,
"Here we go again," and he rolls up into a little
ball, extends his sharp spikes, and spoils the
fox's best laid plans.

Berlin explained that some people (foxes) see the
world in all its complexity. Their approach
constantly changes depending on the
circumstances, but they never develop a unified
vision.

Other people (hedgehogs), on the other hand,
simplify the complexity of the world into one
principle - one basic idea that determines their
every move.

Now don't misunderstand. Hedgehogs are not
simpleminded. On the contrary, their
understanding of the world is so profound that
they're able to identify the most fundamental
elements. You know, simple but not simplistic.
Can you get any more basic than E = mc squared?
Can you get any more brilliant?

Insightful right? But what in the world does this
have to do with your marriage? Everything!

Everyone has problems, issues, and challenges in
their marriage. Yours may even be severe. And you
will no doubt face a variety of problems over the
years.

You might think that for each new problem, you
need a new solution. But you don't! Think like a
hedgehog not a fox. Remember, for a hedgehog THE
SOLUTION IS ALWAYS THE SAME.

Some radio and television shows are hosted by
relationship experts who have guests or allow
people to call-in to share their problems. It's
fascinating the myriad of problems that couples
face. What's equally fascinating is the host's
ability to find unique solutions for all the
different problems.

It makes for an interesting show, but it's just
not that complicated. The ultimate answer to
every problem is the same - love. LOVE IS THE
FOUNDATION OF YOUR MARRIAGE, and all marital
problems stem from a lack of it. Got a problem?
You don't need a solution. You need more love.
LOVE IS YOUR SOLUTION!

Sound hokey? I know it does. Think about it
though. Remember when you fell in love? What
problems did you have then? Hardly any, right?
Because you had love!

You know that little thing your spouse does with
their eye brow or the corner of their mouth?
Remember how you used to think it was so cute?
Then one day it became annoying, right? Why? Your
spouse used to be thrifty and now your spouse is
cheap. WHAT CHANGED? Your love changed - that's
what changed! And the solution to that annoying
problem (and all your problems!) is to rebuild
your love.

The problem in most marriages is the way the
couple (and sometimes the counselor) sees the
problem. If you see your problems
as the problem; that's your problem.

Once people join the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot
Camp and begin a dialogue with me, their first
inclination is to ask me for a solution to their
marriage problems. My solution is for them to
institute a series of relationship habits that
slowly but surely builds a new foundation for
their marriage.

Fixing problems and developing communication
skills can lead to small incremental changes in
your marriage. But if you want to transform your
marriage, if you want to make a quantum change,
you have to implement a pattern of new
relationship habits. You have to create love.

People get all bogged down in the negativity of
trying to solve their problems. It's no fun and
it's not productive. The crucial question in
marriage is NOT how to solve your
problems; it's how to create love.

Your problems probably seem complex. But the good
news is that the solutions are simple. Be a
hedgehog. Focus on building your love. That will
solve ALL your problems.

I hope the insights and tips I've
given you in this report help improve your
marriage...it has mine.

Wishing you well,

http://www.HelpSaveMyMarriageNow.com

 

SECRET 6: HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN IT'S TIME TO QUIT?

One of the questions I'm most frequently asked
is, "How do you know when it's time to quit?"

In terms of when to give up on your marriage,
here's what I recommend.

If divorcing is a consideration for you from a
moral perspective, then before you go that route,
try first for at least one year.

Did you hear that?

Try for at least one year!

And I mean REALLY try. You can always call it
quits. You always have that option. But once you
pull that trigger, it's over. No more chances.
Your life will never be the same. Do you have
kids? If you do, their life will never be the
same.

If you end your marriage, you don't want there to
be a shred of doubt in your mind. You don't ever
want to look back and wonder if things could have
been different. You don't want to ask yourself,
"What if this...and what if that...what if I
tried this...what if I did that?"

If you have to end your marriage, you want to
know DEEP IN YOUR HEART that you did everything
you could to make it work.

If you have to end it, you want to be able to
move on with your life and into another
relationship with a clear head. You want to come
to a place of healthy "closure." THIS IS CRUCIAL!
And to accomplish this, in my experience, it
takes at least one year. I know it probably seems
like a long time, but it's an investment in the
rest of your life.

Here's the key point. Listen
carefully. It's a good investment for the rest of
your life WHETHER YOUR MARRIAGE SUCCEEDS OR NOT.
Obviously, it's a good investment if you turn
your marriage around. But if you don't, it will
NOT have been a wasted year. It will have been
the most important thing you could have done with
that year because of how your effort will impact
the rest of your life AND (if it comes to this)
YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP.

I have seen too many cases of spouses ending
their marriage prematurely, and as result of not
reaching "closure" in one relationship, they find
themselves in the same situation a few years
later with someone else.

In private sessions with people, sometimes the
progress I help them make turns out to be more
beneficial for them in their next relationship
than in their current one.

I remember once when the marriage of someone who
registered for the Lone Ranger Track of the
Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp ended in the
middle of the program. This man asked me if he
should continue with the final 3 weeks of the
program. I said, "Absolutely."

He responded, "Why? What's the point? My marriage
is over."

"You're not doing it for this marriage," I
explained. "You're doing it for the benefit of
your next one."

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that your
intention while you're working on your marriage
should be for the benefit of your life after your
marriage. Your intention needs to be to restore
your CURRENT relationship. But if you fail, your
effort will NOT have been for naught.

Bottom line is this. If you're asking, "When is
it time to call it quits?" The answer is: one
year after you think you're done. If after one
year of trying everything in your power to make
your marriage work you're still miserable, then
you should consider moving on. Until then, hang
in there and don't give up.

This topic reminds me of my situation many years
ago. I remember learning late one night that my
wife had an appointment with a divorce attorney
the next morning. We were hours from "done." Who
would have ever thought that we could turn things
around at that point?

It's NEVER too late! In fact (and here's real
food for thought), very often the turning point
in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom.
Sometimes it's not until things couldn't get
worse that they can get better.

Find out "The Simple Truth About Your Marriage"
in just a few days.

This was part 6 of your report, "7 Secrets for
Fixing Your Marriage."

Wishing you well,

http://www.HelpSaveMyMarriageNow.com

 

How do I know if I married the right person?

During one of my seminars, a woman asked me a
question. She said, "How do I know if I married
the right person?"

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next
to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your
husband?" (ha, ha)

In all seriousness, how do you know?

Before I share with you part 6 of the report you
requested, "7 Secrets for Fixing Your Marriage,"
let me answer this question because the chances
are good that it's weighing on your mind.

How do you know if you married the right person?

Here's the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning,
you fell in love with your spouse. You
anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and
liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In
fact, it was a completely spontaneous experience.
You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's
called "falling" in love - because it's happening
TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my
feet." Think about the imagery of that
expression. It implies that you were just
standing there; doing nothing, and then something
came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It's a passive,
spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria
of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY
relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls
become a bother (if they come at all), touch is
not always welcome (when it happens), and your
spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute,
drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every
relationship, but if you think about your
marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference
between the initial stage when you were in love
and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start
asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as
you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of
the love you once had, you may begin to desire
that experience with someone else. This is when
marriages break down. People blame their spouse
for their unhappiness and look outside their
marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and
sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But
sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a
friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie
outside your marriage. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love
with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY
you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same
situation a few years later. Because (listen
carefully), THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING
IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S
LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous
experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You
can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it
day in and day out. That's why we have the
expression "the labor of love." Because it takes
time, effort, and energy. And most importantly,
it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to
make your marriage work.

And make no mistake about it. Love
is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you
can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed
with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe
(such as gravity), there are also laws for
relationships. Just as the right diet and
exercise program makes you physically stronger,
certain habits in your relationship WILL make
your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and
effect. If you know and apply the laws, the
results are predictable - you can "make" love.

I'll be in touch with you in a couple of
days with "How do you know when to quit".

Marriage Fitness a step-by-step system for making
and maintaining love in your marriage. And the
program works for any marriage even if only one
spouse does it (see Lone Ranger Track).

Wishing you well,

http://www.HelpSaveMyMarriageNow.com

 

SECRET 5: BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE

Here's part 5 of your report, "7 Secrets for
Fixing Your Marriage."

SECRET 5: BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE

In your quest to fix your marriage, you may
encounter resistance...from your spouse!

Your spouse may dwell on the 101 reasons why
"this just won't work for us" and blame you for
every one.

Or, your spouse may be emotionally "checked-out"
of the marriage and not care about your efforts
to improve the situation or be willing to extend
any effort of their own.

This, by far, is the most common question people
ask me: "How do I get my spouse to change?"

Why would your spouse resist change in your
marriage and what should you do about it?

There's a deep-seated belief in our culture that
people resist change, no matter what. But is this
true? Do people really want things to remain
status quo? Do we really not want things to
change? If you look closely at human nature, it's
not change itself we resist; it's change that's
IMPOSED UPON US.

Think about it. We have no problem with change
that WE INITIATE. But when we feel forced or
manipulated to change, then we resist with all
our might.

Your spouse may not be willing to change for the
sake of your marriage right now, but that's not
because your spouse doesn't want a great
marriage. Everyone wants a great marriage. It's
because if they're going to change, they want the
change to be THEIR IDEA!

I promise you; your spouse will
change when they're ready to change and not one
second before. And the more you push them, urge
them, nudge them, ask them, scream at them, or
beg them, the LESS LIKELY they are to change. I
know it's hard to wait, but you have to let it
come from them.

It's possible someone could INSPIRE your spouse
to change, but the person LEAST LIKELY to be the
inspiration is YOU. It's sad but true. A complete
stranger is more likely to get through to your
spouse than you are. A chance experience or
encounter is more likely to shake up your spouse
than anything YOU could say.

Mary Ellen (name changed) registered the Marriage
Fitness Tele Boot Camp. She knew she had to make
changes and joined the program with a genuine
interest to improve her marriage. She wanted Tom
(her husband) to be part of the process, but he
wasn't willing to join her. She had been asking
him to go with her to get help for over a year.
But Tom consistently refused.

I spoke with Mary Ellen during the boot camp and
convinced her to back-off of Tom and just let him
be for a while. I counseled her to make some
changes that created a more positive energy in
their relationship. When the time was right, I
suggested that Mary Ellen ask Tom is he would be
willing to speak with ME during one of the Q and
A teleconferences. Mary Ellen's timing was good.
Tom agreed.

Within 7 minutes of my conversation with Tom he
agreed to join Mary Ellen in the program. Mary
Ellen switched from the Lone Ranger Track to the
Duo Track.

Why was I able to get Tom to agree to something
in 7 minutes that Mary Ellen couldn't get him to
do in over a year? It's true I know how to handle
these situations, but there were 2 other
important factors:

1. For the first time in over a year, Mary Ellen
backed-off far enough so that Tom had the space
to make his own choice.

2. The inspiration came from someone other than
his wife.

Your effort to change your spouse is probably
COUNTERproductive. The chances are good that
you're "in the way." You need to get out of the
way and create the space for your spouse to
CHOOSE to change. That's the only way it'll ever
happen. 

I can't tell you how many times a spouse will say
to me that their husband/wife changed for a few
days, but then returned to their old ways. That's
because they never really decided to change. They
were pressured. They were manipulated. And so it
didn't stick.

If you tell your spouse what to do; it's a
challenge. If THEY decide to do it; it's a great
idea. YOU HAVE TO LET IT COME FROM THEM. That's
the only way it'll make a difference long term in
your marriage.

Now you're probably thinking, "Makes sense, but
isn't there anything I can do to encourage my
spouse's choice?" YES there is!
YOU CAN BE AN INSPIRING EXAMPLE and let your
spouse see how the choices YOU'RE making impact
how YOU feel about yourself and your marriage.

Resist the urge to believe that your marriage
won't change until your spouse "gets with the
program." The love YOU feel is much more a result
of what YOU DO for your marriage than what your
spouse does for it.

We tend to think that the love in our marriage is
in our spouse's hands. But it's not. Love is a
verb. And if we do it - if we love - then we feel
love. THE CHOICE IS OURS.

Consider the love you feel for your children. Is
it because of everything they do for you? Is it
because they're such angels? Of course not. The
love you feel for your children is a result of
what YOU DO FOR THEM. The love you feel in your
marriage is a result of what YOU DO too.

Furthermore, there's no better way to inspire
your spouse to make the choice to change than to
make that choice yourself.

It happens quite often that one spouse will
register for the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp
in the Lone Ranger Track and then half way
through the program they will switch to the Duo
Track, which is designed for couples
participating TOGETHER. What caused their spouse
to change their mind? Simple. 2 things. First,
they learned to create a space in their
relationship for their spouse to make a choice to
change. Second, they showed their spouse, through
their EXAMPLE, how to make that choice and the
impact it could have on their marriage.

Very often one spouse will schedule private
sessions with me and ask if it makes sense for
them to be coached alone. The answer
is ABSOLUTELY yes! One spouse can
make more than a 50% difference in a marriage.
And that difference is exactly what will get the
other spouse to open up to getting advice too. As
the saying goes: "You can lead me a mile, but you
can't push me an inch."

So, bottom line - as Mahatma Gandhi said, "You
must be the change you wish to see." It's YOU
changing that will have the greatest impact on
YOUR EXPERIENCE of your marriage AND it's YOU
changing that will be  the single most important
thing you can do to motivate your spouse to
change.

Check back in a few days for "How
do you know if you married the right person".

All the best to you,

http://www.HelpSaveMyMarriageNow.com

 

SECRET 4: GET INVOLVED

As promised, here's part 4 of the report,
"7 Secrets for Fixing Your Marriage."

SECRET 4: GET INVOLVED

Have you ever heard the phrase "You are what you
eat"? This catchy slogan from the fitness
industry reminds us that how we "spend" our
calories determines our health. Want to be fat?
Then eat lots of fat. Want to be healthy? Well,
you get the idea.

When it comes to your marriage, I would say, "YOU
ARE WHAT YOU DO." In other words, how you and
your spouse SPEND YOUR TIME determines the
strength of your marriage. Spend it together and
you'll feel connected. Do your own thing too
often and you might sleep in the same bed, but
you'll feel worlds apart.

At the beginning of your relationship, you
probably had no trouble spending lots of time
together doing just about anything. And, in fact,
SHARING TIME was exactly what CREATED THE
CLOSENESS between the two of you. But as the
years went by, you probably took up separate
interests, and began to spend more and more time
apart.

Many couples are very good at coordinating
compatible lives. He's got his schedule. She's
got her schedule. Some couples sleep under one
roof, but they lead COMPLETELY separate lives.
You can achieve compatibility like this (like you
had with your college roommate), which is not a
bad thing, but you won't have a good marriage.
You might manage your family fine, but your
relationship will NOT be fulfilling. And you'll
be lonely. You might not be alone, but you'll be
lonely.

Our culture today promotes independence. We even
have something called the "Me Generation." But a
strong marriage requires a "Move from Me to We."
Love requires SPENDING TIME TOGETHER and being
involved in each other's lives. It's not about
being independent; it's about being successfully
INTERdependent.

Do you remember when you used to visit each other
at work? Meet each other's family and friends?
Help solve each other's problems? Ask each
other's opinions? Learn about each other's
interests? That's the ticket!

Of course, I know this doesn't sound appealing if
your marriage is on the rocks. You may not feel
like being together. But which comes first, a
good marriage or involvement in each other's
lives? Which is the cause and which is the
effect? The answer is: involvement or
interdependence is one of the primary ingredients
for a successful marriage.

At the end of my public seminars, I'm always
fascinated at the interaction between couples.

"Honey, should we get the Marriage Fitness
Home-Flex or the Marriage Fitness Audio Learning
System?" she asks.

"I don't care," he responds. "Get whatever you
want."

I'm listening to this and thinking, "How could he
miss this opportunity?" Not the opportunity to
decide what to buy, but the opportunity to
connect with her, to get involved with her. She
didn't care what they bought. She didn't want an
answer; she wanted company. She wanted his
involvement.

As I write this report, there's a couple in the
Marriage Fitness Tele Boot Camp whose names are
Jon and Michelle (not their real names). Michelle
and Jon agree that they've "grown apart" over the
years. They used to do everything together. But
then Michelle decided to open a shop downtown.
And Jon took up golf, which, like everything else
he does well, has become an obsession.

Jon and Michelle want to make their marriage
work, but they don't share passions anymore and
their living separate lives. Most people think
that's the kiss of death for a marriage. IT'S
NOT. If you want to make your marriage work, you
can USE EACH OTHER'S PASSIONS to create a
connection.

I advised Michelle to find a way to include
herself in Jon's golf game even though she wasn't
interested in playing. Through our discussions, I
discovered that Michelle hated golf because as a
child her father never let her drive the golf
cart when he played. So I asked her, "Michelle,
how would you like to drive the golf cart now?"
Michelle smiled and said, "I would love it." So
now, every once in while, Michelle's partner
works the store alone and Jon gets his own
personal golf cart driver.

And we did the same with Jon. Jon spends all week
immersed in his business. The thought of him
going into his wife's shop on the weekend and
dealing with more business was nauseating. In
addition to golf, Jon liked to spend his weekends
using his hands fixing things around the house.
Jon is really a closet blue collar guy. So I
turned to Michelle and I asked her, "Michelle, do
you have handyman work at your shop?"

"Are you kidding," Michelle answered, "It never
ends." Ta dah! The shop got a new handyman and
Michelle and Jon moved "from me to we."

It's important to note that the
reason this worked for Jon and Michelle is NOT
because Jon got a driver and Michelle got a
handyman. Even if Jon was a terrible handyman,
this could have worked FOR THEIR MARRIAGE. It
might have been bad for Michelle's business, but
it would have been good for their marriage. They
key is personal involvement not utility. It's not
about improving anything except your marriage.

You may or may not be able to relate the Jon and
Michelle's situation. In the Marriage Fitness
Tele-Boot Camp, I work with you to find
meaningful ways for you and your spouse to get
involved in each others lives. Once you find
those ways (and we always do!), it's like magic.
Think about it. How could you get more involved
in your spouse's life?

Getting involved does not necessarily mean that
you have to do the activity together. It could
mean that you watch the activity, plan for it,
pack for it, budget for it, buy supplies for it,
or research it in preparation for discussion.

How you get involved depends on you, your spouse,
and the interest. There are endless
possibilities. The goal is to GET INVOLVED in
some way so your spouse's interest becomes part
of your life too.

And what if your spouse wants nothing to do with
you? We deal with that in the Lone Ranger Track
of the Marriage Fitness Tele Boot Camp. See
below.

As you get involved with your spouse's interests,
be cautious about how you involve yourself. Don't
show up unexpectedly at your spouse's weekly card
game. Be intelligent and sensitive about it.

Then engage your spouse in discussion about the
topic. Ask questions. Show your interest.
Consider purchasing a thoughtful gift that
relates to your spouse's interest. In time,
explore with your spouse how you can get more
involved. Be assertive, but make sure you involve
yourself in ways that are agreeable to your
spouse.

The chances are good that your spouse's interest
doesn't interest you. If it did, you would
probably already be involved. This exercise is
challenging in that regard. It takes discipline.
It's not an exercise in choosing compatibility;
it's an exercise in CHOOSING LOVE. Your interest
in your spouse's interest is irrelevant. Your
interest in your marriage is the key.

Consider a father whose son developed a passion
for baseball. One summer he took his son to see
every major league team play one game. Their
travels took the entire summer and cost a lot of
money, but it did wonders for their relationship.

Upon their return the father was asked, "Do you
like baseball that much?"

"No," he replied. "But I like my son that much."

Warm regards,

P.S. Look out for "How to Get Your Spouse to Change"
in a couple of days.

http://www.HelpSaveMyMarriageNow.com

 

SECRET 3: GIVE

It's time for part 3 of your report,
"7 Secrets for Fixing Your Marriage."

I hope you're putting to good work secrets 1 and 2.

And now let's keep going.

SECRET 3: GIVE

You have some changes you'd like to see in your
spouse and your marriage, right? And if I were a
betting man, I'd guess your spouse has some ideas
too!

So what are you waiting for? Are you waiting for
your spouse to make the first move? Are you
waiting for your spouse to be more open to it?
Are you waiting to feel love?

Most people think that the FEELING of love comes
BEFORE we express love. And in the beginning of a
relationship, that's what happens. You fall in
love and THEN you do acts of love. Your feelings
inspire your actions.

But mature love asks more of you. To create a
strong LASTING marriage, you first CHOOSE LOVING
ACTIONS. Your feelings will follow.

After all, you don't jog two miles or skip
dessert because you feel healthy. You feel
healthy because you jogged two miles and skipped
dessert. So too, when it comes to your marriage,
YOUR ACTIONS CREATE YOUR FEELINGS!

Last time we talked about the act of talking and
touching. This time we're going to talk about
"giving."

Once upon a time, when you fell in love, it was
easy to give to your spouse, and you probably
enjoyed thinking up new ways to express how you
felt through your giving. Remember surprising
your spouse with something you knew they wanted?
Remember the thoughtful trinket you got?

WITHIN THE NEXT 48 HOURS, give your spouse a
gift. Now here's the key. It can't be just any
gift. Your spouse has to feel YOU in it. You see,
the most important part of a present is that it
embodies the presence of the one who gave it to
you. This is not a matter of money. This takes
time, thought, and energy.

What gift would tickle the soul of your spouse?
What could you buy or make for your spouse that
would show how much of YOU went into the gift?
Don't just buy anything. Make sure it's your
spouse's favorite color, made in their hometown,
or something they mentioned last week.

Stick with this for a minute.
This takes some deep thought, but I promise that
if you make a habit of this kind of giving it
will TRANSFORM YOUR MARRIAGE.

What could you give your spouse that would make
them glow and look at you with intense
appreciation? Did they recently mention they
wanted something? What's your spouse's favorite
dessert? Favorite flower? Favorite sports team
(tickets to a game)? Favorite author (new book)?
Favorite musician (CD or tickets)?

I spent 10 minutes in a phone "laser" session (a
feature of the Marriage Fitness Tele Boot Camp)
with a man exploring what one gift would "light
up" his wife. We figured it out and, in
retrospect; he believes that giving that gift
shifted the momentum of their marriage.

Inside your spouse is a child that wants to be
understood. If your spouse is like most people,
he/she does NOT feel understood even by you. When
you get the right gift for your spouse, they will
feel UNDERSTOOD, and connected to you, the giver.
When you give someone a gift that says, "I know
you, I understand you," you can "melt" them.

This is one of the things we work on in the
Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp; how to discover
the one gift that will change the momentum of
your marriage. And, how to get your spouse TO
WANT to give that gift TO YOU too.

It's easy to buy a gift. But the
right gift, given at the right time and in the
right way; that's an art. "Money can't buy you
love." "It's the thought that counts."

In the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, "The only
gift is a portion of thyself."

Enjoy the gift of giving. It'll give YOU love.

In a couple of days I'll share with you secret 4.

Be well,

http://www.HelpSaveMyMarriageNow.com

 

SECRET 2: TALK & TOUCH

Here's part 2 of the report,
"7 Secrets for Fixing Your Marriage."

SECRET 2: TALK & TOUCH

Did you ever hear the Paul Simon song, "50 Ways
to Leave Your Lover"? It's a humorous song about
a not-so-funny subject (the break-up of Simon's
marriage). I don't want you to hop on a bus or
drop off your keys, but the song does make a good
point about how to succeed in marriage.

See, the song's ultimate point is that once you
make up your mind to do something, action is sure
to follow. Whether you decide to leave or love,
it's the decision that's most important. Once the
decision is in your head, there are 50 ways you
could do either.

You want to save your marriage, right? Good; you
know WHAT you want. The only question left is
HOW. HOW will you restore your marriage? Everyone
WANTS to renew their marriage. But very few
people have a clue how to go about it.

Let's be clear about one thing first. It happens
through ACTIONS. You’ll never be able to blab
your way out of a situation you behaved yourself
into. You must act.

Okay, but what actions?

Within the next 24 hours, I want you to try a
Talk Charge and a Touch Charge.

A Talk Charge is a 60 second positive verbal
interaction with your spouse about a NON-
LOGISTICAL matter. It's a fun or frivolous chat.
And you do NOT need your spouse’s cooperation. If
necessary, you talk, they listen. A voice mail
can even work.

A Touch Charge is similar, but it uses touch
instead of talk. A Touch Charge is a loving
physical gesture with your spouse. It's not
foreplay or an advance for love making; it's just
a warm touch for the sake of connecting in that
moment. (If you’re separated or your spouse is
resistant to your touch, the solution to this
problem is discussed in the Marriage Fitness Tele
Boot Camp. See below).

I had private sessions with Cindy (not her real
name). In one of our sessions, I noticed that
Cindy was resistant to incorporating Touch
Charges and Talk Charges into her relationship
with her husband. She kept trying to change the
subject. She said she wanted to discuss "bigger"
matters. I couldn't imagine why she was so
hesitant to do these 2 SIMPLE things. Finally, I
challenged Cindy and said, "Cindy, what's the
problem. This is marriage renewal 101."

Eventually, Cindy told me why she didn't want to
talk about Touch Charges and Talk Charges. "My
marriage is horrible." Cindy said. "I need a BIG
solution. I just don't think talking and touching
is going to make a difference."

Cindy expressed a common thought, but she
couldn't be more WRONG.

You can't turn your marriage around with one
Herculean event. There's no gift you can give,
favor you can do, or letter you can write. When
your marriage is on the rocks, it's common to
want to "microwave" it better. But you can't.
There's no quick fix. There’s no one thing you
can do or say that will turn things around. It
took you years to get into this mess; it's going
to take time for you to get out of it. And what's
the way out? Listen carefully.

Failed marriages eventually
succeed because at least one spouse commits to
doing SMALL THINGS in great ways over an extended
period of time.

Do you want REAL change in your marriage? Then
establish the RIGHT HABITS and do them
CONSISTENTLY. Talk and touch everyday, for
example.

I promised Cindy that if she would talk and touch
REGULARLY, she would see a dramatic difference in
her marriage. I promised Cindy that if I was
wrong, I would personally fly to Nashville and do
a full day "house call" with Cindy and her
husband no charge. Cindy agreed to try. I've
still never been to Nashville.

Og Mandino says, "Take great comfort in knowing
that ALL great feats are accomplished one small
step at a time." TAKE THE SMALL STEPS! They make
a BIG difference.

Do you remember when you used to
just talk? Not about who's going to pick up the
kids, make the dinner, or pay the bill...I mean
just talk for the sake of talking. If you're like
most couples, you need to start talking again.
Tell your spouse about your dreams. Share your
fears. Tell a joke. Talk about the interesting
person you met today or the experience you had
jogging in the park.

In the morning before you part for the day, share
something with your spouse. In the middle of day,
call your spouse for a Talk Charge. You don't
have to be all sweetsie if you don't want to. But
make sure you don't discuss anything logistical.
And don't fight! Just talk.

You and/or your spouse probably feel you don't
get enough attention from each other. As
discussed, it could be that you need to talk
more. But you also probably need to touch more.

REACH OUT AND TOUCH YOUR SPOUSE TODAY. Try a warm
kiss or a gentle rub. Stroke their cheek or play
with their feet. It only takes a moment, but the
positive energy can carry you through an entire
evening. (Once again, if you’re separated or your
spouse is resistant to your touch, the solution
to this problem is discussed in the Marriage
Fitness Tele Boot Camp. See below).

When you caress your spouse's hand, play with
their feet, rub their shoulders, or stroke their
cheek, there's a moment there (if you do it
RIGHT) when your spouse knows that you are
completely connected with them. Fill your
marriage with a few of those moments each day and
your relationship will begin to change.

Now I don't want to leave you hanging...wondering
what you're going to say and how you're going to
touch. I figure if there's 50 ways to leave your
lover, there must be at least as many ways to
touch them or talk to them. So here's my "50
ways" list. Don't be overwhelmed. Most of these
won’t work for you. I created 50 so you would
have options. My challenge to you is to pick 2;
in the next 24 hours do 1 Talk Charge and 1 Touch
Charge.

MORT'S 50 WAYS TO TALK AND TOUCH LIST

1. Express confidence in one of your spouse's
decisions

2. Share dessert with one fork

3. What was "your song" when you were dating?
Call your spouse and sing it to them.

4. Surprise visit your spouse at their office or
home and give them a kiss... and then leave.

5. Play footsie next time you sit together

6. Learn a new joke today and share it with your
spouse

7. Ask how your spouse's day went... and really
listen

8. Kiss your spouse upon waking

9. Kiss your spouse before sleeping

10. Caress your spouse's hand

11. Touch your spouse's cheek or hand while
driving

12. Rub shoulders next time you sit next to each
other

13. Sit on your spouse's lap or sit them on yours

14. Compliment something your spouse is wearing

15. Call your spouse out of the blue to let them
know you are thinking of them

16. Give your spouse a neck or shoulder massage

17. Share a story from the news or your day that
you thought was interesting

18. What about dancing before dinner? No one's
looking.

19. Tell your spouse that if you had to do it all
over again, you'd choose them

20. Share a problem - thank your spouse for their
concern

21. Play with your spouse's hair while talking in
bed

22. Fall asleep holding hands

23. Remind your spouse to drive safely next time
they leave the house

24. Call your spouse at work with the latest
news.

25. Have a tickle "fight"

26. Say "I'm sorry" about a mistake you recently
made

27. Think of 3 ways your spouse has made you a
better person ... tell them now

28. Compliment your spouse on your favorite
physical trait

29. Play Twister and let yourself laugh out loud

30. Look at your spouse when they are unaware of
your gaze ... share your feelings

31. Share what you most admire about your spouse

32. Have a "remember when?" moment.

33. Thank your spouse for helping you through a
challenging time in your life

34. Find a reason to touch your spouse when you
are in the same room

35. Dig out the wedding album and reminisce

36. Hold hands under the table

37. Brush your mate's hair out of his/her eyes

38. Straighten his tie, being sure to touch him
with love

39. Button or zip her dress, being sure to touch
her with love

40. Knead the same dough together

41. Kiss in the elevator when no one is looking

42. Express confidence in your spouse's ability
to overcome a problem

43. Listen to your spouse's worries - ask how you
can help

44. Make your spouse's lunch for the day ...
deliver it with a kiss

45. Send your spouse a fax with your special
"code words" for I Love You!

46. Turn off your spouse's alarm clock...wake
them with a massage

47. Kiss the back of your spouse's neck while
he/she is reading

48. Before parting, tell your spouse you can't
wait to see him/her again

49. An extra hug for no reason at all never hurt
anyone

50. "Spoon" your mate while sleeping

More to come in Part 3 in a few days. Talk to you then.

http://www.HelpSaveMyMarriageNow.com

SECRET 1: PUT YOUR PROBLEMS ASIDE

Here's part 1 of the report,
"7 Secrets for Fixing Your Marriage."

In this report you'll discover secrets for saving
and restoring your marriage. Let's get started.

SECRET 1: PUT YOUR PROBLEMS ASIDE

If you're reading a report about how to save your
marriage, you're probably expecting to learn
problem-solving strategies, communication
techniques, and insights about gender
differences. Do I have a SURPRISE for you!

The key to renewing your marriage is NONE of
those things.

How do I know this? Because I experienced it!

Unlike other relationship experts who approach
the topic from a clinical perspective, for me
saving and restoring marriages is also very
personal. I’ve been where you are now. I'd like
to share with you my story.

My wife and I started out deeply in love. I
remember staying up all night talking, surprising
each other with thoughtful gifts, and speaking to
each other in code words. You know the feeling of
really being connected? That was us.

But then something happened that destroys most
marriages. We had a son who died when he was one
week old. And then we had twin daughters, who
also died as newborns.

Understandably, my wife became depressed. I coped
by immersing myself in work. We ran from each
other emotionally.

Your situation probably was not so tragic, but
something happened. What was it? How did you lose
each other? Maybe you can't put your finger on
it, but something is definitely not right. That's
common too.

For us, after losing 3 children, everything felt
different. Instead of talking all night, it was a
chore to talk for a few minutes. Instead of using
our code words, we used curse words. Our
relationship consisted of screaming matches and
silent treatments.

Somewhere deep in our hearts though, like you, we
knew we didn't want to lose each other. So we
made a commitment to work on our marriage.
Sometimes I tried and my wife didn't. Sometimes
my wife tried and I didn't. We went through
different stages of "trying."

What did we try?

We tried the obligatory, "Honey, let me repeat
what you said to make sure I understood you
correctly." We applied conflict resolution
strategies. My wife learned about Mars and I
learned about Venus. We even went to therapy to
wrestle with our problems. But guess what.
Nothing changed. Nothing worked.

All the advice (books, counselors, whatever)
asked us to confront our problems. But that just
made us feel worse. And fight more.

As long as the "right" way wasn’t working, why
not be dysfunctional? So we tried to convince
each other of our way. You’ve tried that too,
right? Obviously, that doesn’t work.

Then we had a breakthrough.

We decided to SET ASIDE OUR PROBLEMS. We didn’t
talk about them at all. We didn’t bring them up
even once. Instead, we put our energy into trying
to connect. We used certain relationship
techniques that transformed our marriage. Not
only did we resolve our differences; we fell in
love again! And we did it not by dealing with our
problems (as serious as they were), but by
establishing new relationship habits that brought
positive energy to our marriage.

This is the solution to most marital situations!
Believe it or not, the secret is to STEP AWAY
FROM YOUR PROBLEMS and spend your time and energy
doing specific relationship building activities.

It's counter-intuitive, but if you do this, most
of your problems will dissipate, the threat of
divorce will go away, and the other people
invading your marriage will become irrelevant. 

Before you deal with your
problems, you first have to build good will with
your spouse. And this is doable even in the most
difficult marital situations. 

If your marriage is stressed, do
NOT tackle your problems. Stop talking about the
affair, the attention you're not getting, or
whatever. If your timing is off, trying to solve
your problems will damage your marriage and make
it LESS LIKELY that you'll ever find resolution.

Now you can see why the Marriage Fitness program
is fundamentally different from any other
approach to relationship success. It's not about
conflict-resolution or communication skills
because these are NOT the key to saving a
marriage. The key is NOT to fix what's wrong. The
key is to make new things right.

And there are, in fact, specific things you can
do, with or without your spouse, to make things
right in your marriage. And the Marriage Fitness
program offers you a step-by-step system for
doing just that. It also teaches you how to
temporarily put aside the problems and issues
that are weighing you down and making it
impossible for you to establish a new momentum in
your marriage. The program works for any marriage
even if only one spouse does it. And the best
news is that you don't have to dig into your
past, dredge up your problems, or practice
communication techniques. This is not marriage
counseling; it's Marriage Fitness.

Be well.

http://www.HelpSaveMyMarriageNow.com

 

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN TO CALL IT QUITS?

One of the questions I'm most frequently asked is, “How do you know when it's time to quit?”

 

Hi. I’m Mort Fertel, author of Marriage Fitness, and in terms of when to give up on your marriage, here's what I recommend.

 

If divorcing is a consideration for you from a moral perspective, then before you go that route, try first for at least one year.

 

Did you hear that?

 

Try for at least one year!

 

And I mean REALLY try. You can always call it quits. You always have that option. But once you pull that trigger, it's over. No more chances. Your life will never be the same. Do you have kids? If you do, their life will never be the same.

 

If you end your marriage, you don't want there to be a shred of doubt in your mind. You don't ever want to look back and wonder if things could have been different. You don't want to ask yourself, “What if this…and what if that…what if I tried this…what if I did that?”

 

If you have to end your marriage, you want to know DEEP IN YOUR HEART that you did everything you could to make it work.

 

If you have to end it, you want to be able to move on with your life and into another relationship with a clear head. You want to come to a place of healthy “completion.” THIS IS CRUCIAL! And to accomplish this, in my experience, it takes at least one year. I know it probably seems like a long time, but it's an investment in the rest of your life.

 

Here's the key point. Listen carefully. It's a good investment for the rest of your life WHETHER YOUR MARRIAGE SUCCEEDS OR NOT. Obviously, it's a good investment if you turn your marriage around. But if you don't, it will NOT have been a wasted year. It will have been the most important thing you could have done with that year because of how your effort will impact the rest of your life AND YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP.

 

I have seen too many cases of spouses ending their marriage prematurely, and as result of not reaching “completion” in one relationship, they find themselves in the same situation a few years later with someone else.

 

The work I do with marriage coaching clients sometimes turns out to be more beneficial for them in their next relationship than in their current one.

 

I remember once when the marriage of someone who registered for the Lone Ranger track of the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp ended in the middle of the program. This man asked me if he should continue with the final 3 weeks of the program. I said, “Absolutely.”

 

He responded, “Why? What's the point? My marriage is over.”

 

“You're not doing it for this marriage,” I explained. “You're doing it for the benefit of your next one.”

 

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that your intention while you're working on your marriage should be for the benefit of your life after your marriage. Your intention needs to be to restore your CURRENT relationship. But if you fail, your effort will NOT have been for naught.

 

Bottom line is this. If you're asking, “When is it time to call it quits?” The answer is: one year after you think you're done. If after one year of trying everything in your power to make your marriage work you're still miserable, then you should consider moving on. Until then, hang in there and don't give up.

 

This topic reminds me of my situation many years ago. I remember learning late one night that my wife had an appointment with a divorce attorney the next morning. We were hours from “done.” Who would have ever thought that we could turn things around at that point?

 

It's NEVER too late! In fact (and here's real food for thought), very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom. Sometimes it's not until things couldn't get worse that they can get better.

 

I wish you and your spouse the best. If you’d like further information to help with your marriage, then subscribe to my FREE breakthrough report "7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage" and get a FREE marriage assessment too. To subscribe, CLICK HERE. It’s FREE.

 

http://www.helpsavemymarriagenow.com